Thursday, 24 May 2012

Good Intent

Apologies for the absence. I haven't really had anything to say.

I haven't been up to much. I ran into Evelyn again on monday- I was loitering around Albert Park and I found her with her kids. She lives nearby, apparently. I didn't stop to talk to her. Frankly, although she's pleasant enough, I don't trust her. He That Is has a bit of a history with sending female proxies after me, which is honestly a little insulting and also pointless. Proximity to He That Is does a real number on your libido, I think. Most of the proxies I knew back then, the ones that had been proxies over puberty or for a long time, weren't really interested. Also, I've seen back the trick before, trying it again is rather stupid.

I am probably going to die a virgin. I can't really bring myself to care. There are a lot of things I will never get to do, or be. There's no point dwelling on them now.

I am twenty-nine next month. It's just another number, really. I've never really done birthdays. I usually go and buy myself a piece of fudge from the shop up the road and eat it while watching Monty Python, just to commemorate living to see another year.

I wish I could help people, like I wanted to. Still want to. But in New Zealand, there's nobody I can really do anything for. I don't have the funds to go anywhere else.

A word of advice, though. The only people I know who really "won" against the monster were Vivi and Chester, and they don't remember. The ultimate fuck-you to the monster is to be happy. To keep living despite what's happening.

I try to take my own advice, with the best of intentions, but the fact that my life as it stands is pretty much defined by It is not really helping.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Shooting Star

Today, I encountered Evelyn again while going about some business in the city- more precisely, I had gone to the movies to see The Hunger Games, for lack of anything else to do. I was sitting at the bus stop, listening to Stella's iPod, when Evelyn spotted me from across the road and came over to say hello.

"Waiting for the bus?" she asked, sitting down next to me. I shrugged. "It's another fifteen minutes away, and I don't have anything else to do."

"What are you listening to?" she asked, glancing down at the iPod in my hand. "I don't actually know, some pop artist I've never heard of. See for yourself." I replied, passing it to her.

She took it and took a close look at the unlock screen, her eyes widening. "Two Face!" she exclaimed, looking at the background. The picture was one I had taken, of Stella and Kristen embroiled in a rather intense game of Connect Four. "And- what's her name, it was Latin..."

"The pseudonym she took on as an Indoctrinated or her real name?" I asked. "Both of them have Latin roots."

Evelyn snapped her fingers a few times, frowning. "Tenebria, that was her name. What happened to her? She just stopped reporting last February."

I took back the iPod, taking a while to collect my thoughts before I spoke. "She took a cure for His compulsion, and joined two bloggers in their fight against Him. When I wiped their minds, I couldn't wipe her as  integrating her back into society would be almost impossible, as to all intents and purposes she has never existed. She was killed by Him last May."

"I'm sorry." she said. "Were you two close?" The implications behind the question hung in the air for a few long, awkward second before I shrugged.

"Not romantically." I replied. "She was as close to family as I ever had."

There was a long silence before she said. "Well, nice speaking to you, anyway," and then she got up and left.

Across the road was a very familiar face. Not-Stella, my recurring hallucination. She leaned on the wall opposite, staring at me steadily, then a gaggle of people went past her and then she was gone.

As with every time I see her, I wanted to yell "What do you want from me? Why are you here?"

She never answers, and I feel like a madman, chasing shadows and shooting stars.