Thursday, 26 April 2012

Visiting Hours

Yesterday I visited Stella's grave. Vivi and Chester were there. I admit, it's relieving to see that the wipe has stuck and they both look like two perfectly healthy, normal young people in every respect.

It's hard, interacting with them both. Chester is my brother- flesh and blood kin that I was denied to chance to have a relationship with. I remember being really excited when my mother got pregnant- I was six, and the prospect of having a younger brother or sister was a exciting one. I wondered if it would be a boy or a girl, (I decided it didn't matter so long as they thought lego was cool) and what kind of a person they would be.

He That Is took me two months before Chester was born. I never even got to meet him until a year ago. I always have this sense of loss whenever I look at him. We're genetically related, we share parents and we look rather alike, but we're not really brothers. We could have been, but we are not.

They bought flowers, for Stella, and I chatted with them for a while. I can see why they were quite well-liked among the other bloggers- they're kind people. Warmhearted. Sometimes I feel I did the blogosphere a disservice, wiping them. I could have let them go on, let them die their heroic deaths the same way many others have done. But then they would be dead. 

Utilitarianism is a branch of philosophy based off the concept of the best choice being the one that is kindest. I tried to do the kindest thing, Sometimes in retrospect I wonder if my choice at the time really was the kindest possible thing, but the deed is done. You can't change the past.

The world needs a little more kindness. The blogosphere needs more kindness, I think. Vivi and Chester were well liked because they were kind, they treated others well. Some of the bloggers I have seen are in circumstances where they have nobody to turn to, where they can trust nobody, starved for compassion.

For those of you who need a shoulder to lean on, someplace to stay, to show you that small bit of kindness, I am here. 


  1. Goddammit all. God fucking dammit all.

    I'm here too, if anybody needs help.

  2. I miss her....I miss her so much. She's here, but she isn't. She isn't real. No matter how much I wish she was. No matter how many times I try to go to her.